Why am I up?

I’ll tell you why. I’ve been traveling for a week. And though I enjoyed it…after 22 hours of driving (not non stop, but still), my brain and body needed rest. I didn’t plan rest and recoup time, so my brain and body shut down.

This is literally how I felt for 10 months when I taught at that one school. It brings back emotions and guilty feelings. How could I stay and do that to my brain, to my body, to my marriage. Yep, I always go back there a little.

I always feel a little guilty. That I got too busy, stayed too busy…remain too busy. Great, now I’m crying. No really…GREAT, NOW IM CRYING. It doesn’t happen that often like its supposed to. And though its 3am and I should be in Dreamland, I need to go here, stay here…remain. In my truth. I’m still hurt, I’m still broken, I’m complex, emotions are complicated.

Most days I think I’m okay alone. I’m better, even. And the comfort I feel from God on a morning like today, where I discover a way He’s already provided (Romans 8:28) for the dreams he’s placed on my heart…its AMAZING! What’s my goal…what’s His Will? I stir myself nearly crazy asking those questions, like seriously to the point where I end up back at “let me just take it one day at a time”.

I want to go to Costa Rica. Back to SA. To Haiti for missionary work. I want to give. Time, Resources, and Energy to people who need the God in me. Does that line up with my current path- I absolutely believe I’m on track. I am. I am.

Shoot…about voting tomorrow 😦


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