Secrets

I think I’m in love…but secretly I’m afraid to do love again. Or I guess to do REAL love once. Or no, to run the risk of doing “love” and finding out its not love and then wondering how I missed “loveless” signals. That ish is exhausting to write, imagine living it. So I choose to vomit on this page.

I thought I loved you and then I got offended and then I offended you. Love does not offend. And then I think we forgave but kinda held on. Love keeps no record of wrong. We wait kinda patiently. Love is patient. Don’t demand our own way…but I get pissed when things don’t go as I wish. You get the picture?

I have no clue if this is love and I’m actually over trying to figure it out. So, my gut reaction is withdraw. I did it before. I suppose I can muster up the lack of energy to do it again. Secretly I’d rather love you, honestly I’d kinda rather run the risk of doing “love” and finding out its love. I’d rather be super optimistic. To balance that with reality and then no expectations seems stupid and insane and…secretly exhausting.

So I will pray, I’ll get books, I’ll try.

Secretly I think I need to love myself fully completely unconditionally first. I mean I know Im great. How do I feel about myself? I feel…I feel secretly I …secretly I…

Secretly…

I…

Feel…

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