My floor squeaks. Like a mouse in one spot…and I like it. This is home. I want to quit saying “just until April” or “we’ll see” about the location, about the job, about the apartment…about life. Thats just all the energy I can give it right now. Isn’t that crazy? I have just enough energy to draw a boundary on the amount of energy I have.
For so long, after the divorce I decided to go, I had energy to live…or to compensate for the failure. And now almost 2 years later. DANG! Two years. Almost two years later and I have literally burnt out.
Between bad decisions and recommitment, in the midst of repentance and reaffirmation I have only so much energy left. And I’m careful of how I use it. I know I’m spiritually drained. Physically all I know is my addiction to sugar is seriously absurd. Emotionally I really need help letting tears flow from a dark dry place. I find myself in a place of comforting isolation.
I don’t want to go out, don’t want to meet new people- unless they are unavoidable in my journey from my car to my office. I’m not rude. Mostly. I’m not cold. Mainly. I’m not obvious. Obviously. And I feel at the bridge between peace and productivity. Stillness and activity.
I just finished two great books and I’m tired of reading. I received two invitations of shared commitment (bridesmaid x2) and I’m so excited! I think God deposits these opportunities to celebrate others so that I continue to believe that life is mostly beautiful, mainly good, obviously a blessing.
And I feel that at the core of me. But my core is lost in the daily debt, frustration, confusion, isolation. I know the answer is prayer and fasting. The way my avoidance and sugar obsession is set up, its been hard to be disciplined. So I wake up and all day long hear and feel the weight of “tick tock”. Yay, its Thursday. I’ve almost made it through another week. And one of these weeks I’ll be myself again and stop watching the clock. And then I waver between wanting that day to come and longing for the relief of no more days just an eternity.
I decided to type until I can’t any more because I really have no motivation today to do anything. My computer usb ports aren’t working. I can’t afford to drop my laptop off because my work computer isn’t working so I don’t even feel like taking it to the mall. I don’t want to be around people and deal with people who are going to give me disappointing news that complicates my life further.
Maybe I’ve chosen to focus on it more or maybe I’m just seeing more clearly that life is a series of complicated answers/revelations/new flashes. And I’ve barely caught up to the ones I’ve experienced in the past 6 months that another days worth of “messages” is daunting. Maybe that is why I stay in on my days off. And I stay in on my working days. And I pack my bag to go do work at Starbucks but it seems forced. And who wants to force themselves? So I give her (me) a break and we come home rest. Rest go to work. Come home rest. Rest go to work.
I think if I read the promises He made to me and muster up the energy to find and repeat them, I can make it. I just haven’t alloted myself that amount of motivation. Not today. And its kinda sick kinda sad. I really don’t know if I want cured from the disease of…whats this even called? Sure its depression, but its deeper. Anorexia of the soul. I’ve cut myself off from the Living Bread. Not in a hunger strike kind of way. In a never mind I’ll starve type of way.
Just being candid.