Gratitude isn’t natural

Fa sho.

I’m so spoiled I can barely stand it. I mean really. I pray for God to give me a spirit of gratitude as a come off of a fabulous holiday trip with my family, where I was surrounded by unconditional love and lacking nothing. I think I spent $30 all week.

And I sit in a spacious one bedroom apt…in a cozy bed that was FREE. On a laptop that was free. And has internet access and helps to connect me to the world. And I still need to pray for gratitude.

Just watched Pastor Steven Furtick’s message on gratitude and I think I’ll watch it again, because I know thats where I’m stuck. No joy, no praise, no gratitude. When I say no I mean its not sustainable and its not pure and I am blessed to know that and to sense that and to be able to honestly write about it. Last thing to do is to change it. And I’m like …do I need a new job, new friends, new look, new year. I need a new heart.

My other heart was broken, then cold, and hardened, and now its unrecognizable. I have a heart in there somewhere. I have love…I just want to know love. To love God. I say I do…however for the past almost 2 months I’ve been living life as a series of motions. And I really feel a little programmed to continue this way. I don’t want to crank up my business, search for a church home since I work at a church, don’t wanna socialize since I really don’t trust people anymore. I mean not on a deep level.

I can create a laundry list of failed friendships that make me wonder if I really need to attempt to make anymore connections. Not counting the friends who’ve traveled to see me and stand in my corner at every turn. Again, its hard to be grateful. So here’s what I plan to do. For real. I’m choosing to end this year in gratitude and to live next year in joy.

 

Galatians 5:22-23King James Version (KJV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Books, music, sure, studying praying, yeah. Giving of course. Proclaiming the promising. Writing and reading…and being. And dreaming. When I think about what I want…I’ve narrowed it down to “joy”. I’ve been discouraged by life, by success, by failure, by relationships, by brokeness, by mistakes, so now I just ask for what Paul said we should strive for

 

Philippians 4:11-13King James Version (KJV)

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 

Scriptures from: Bible Gateway.

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