Focus

No Time:

I got a text today to pray for my (future) husband. Very specific things, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a chain message. I’ve had this discussion before with the sender. And I’ve been putting off coming up with my list of “what he needs to be/be like/have”. So here’s the list, because dating in the 2000s, like any other year requires thoughtful praying:

Morning,

Have you prayed for your husband today? Pls do so now.
– Ask God to protect him,
– Ask God to send salvation to him in case he is not saved yet;
– Ask God to separate him from people that would hinder him from doing the will of God
– Ask God to bless him;
– Ask God to send all manners of help to him wherever he is; and above all
– Ask God to connect you two together (this year, as in the new year its Dec 26- I’m adding that now)
– Remove every hindrance that might want to delay your connection;
Always pray for him until you meet him and get married. Don’t loose sight of this because I know in my spirit your husband is existing somewhere….

Pray for him!!!

The second to last line almost irritated me because I’m like “duh he exists”. Then, well now, reading and writing it again, I’m thinking hmmmm…marriage is in my future. Because I am (I wish I could say I was but its not that simple) starting to doubt marriage for myself. I thought that was a sad thing, but I think what is happening is that my focus is shifting. I am more interested in being in love with God and falling in love with Cassandra then “finding love”. I’m not really interested. I think men are wonderful (some) and gorgeous (few) and I like male company and I want a boyfriend (somedays) who is totally into me (but into God more) HOWEVER, I’m really not interested in investing too much energy in the rabbit trails that my mind leads me to when I’m focused on “finding love”. I’m totally open to being found, though….

So I thought.

I’m walking to the pool to read and relax.

Him: Hello
Me: (rolls eyes inside, I think- cause I’m busy and focused and I don’t want to be hit on) Hello
Him: some other stuff about the day or the pool or something
Me: tries to unlock the gate and responds (I think)

Gate is locked. New plan. Other pool. Still on a mission. Still. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Bothered.

He asks how I’m doing, if I’m married, what’s my name, can I stay and talk, can we be friends.

I say fine, no, Cassandra, no, no thank you. I’m trying to walk away but not be rude.

He says stuff. Don’t know. Don’t care. He sees the book I’m reading and asks who its by.

I’m thinking “I don’t know. I’m just reading it. Leave me alone”. I show him and say “Kevin Gerald” (Mind monsters).

He says “conquering fear, worry, guilt. You got a lot of fear. Read that book. Fear is why you didn’t want to stop and talk to me. Why you don’t want to give me your number”.

Normally (and I almost did) I would say, “okay thanks” and walk off. But I decided to listen.

More gibberish. I took his card. He’s a “Dr.” supposedly. That’s not why I took his card. I don’t plan to call him. But I didn’t throw it away, which I consideNo Time:

I got a text today to pray for my husband. Very specific things, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a chain message. I’ve had this discussion before with the sender. And I’ve been putting off coming up with my list of “what he needs to be/be like/have”. So here’s the list, because dating in the 2000s, like any other year requires thoughtful praying:

Morning,

Have you prayed for your husband today? Pls do so now.
– Ask God to protect him,
– Ask God to send salvation to him in case he is not saved yet;
– Ask God to separate him from people that would hinder him from doing the will of God
– Ask God to bless him;
– Ask God to send all manners of help to him wherever he is; and above all
– Ask God to connect you two together (this year, as in the new year its Dec 26- I’m adding that now)
– Remove every hindrance that might want to delay your connection;
Always pray for him until you meet him and get married. Don’t loose sight of this because I know in my spirit your husband is existing somewhere….

Pray for him!!!

The second to last line almost irritated me because I’m like “duh he exists”. Then, well now, reading and writing it again, I’m thinking hmmmm…marriage is in my future. Because I am (I wish I could say I was but its not that simple) starting to doubt marriage for myself. I thought that was a sad thing, but I think what is happening is that my focus is shifting. I am more interested in being in love with God and falling in love with Cassandra then “finding love”. I’m not really interested. I think men are wonderful (some) and gorgeous (few) and I like male company and I want a boyfriend (somedays) who is totally into me (but into God more) HOWEVER, I’m really not interested in investing too much energy in the rabbit trails that my mind leads me to when I’m focused on “finding love”. I’m totally open to being found, though….

So I thought.

I’m walking to the pool to read and relax.

Him: Hello
Me: (rolls eyes inside, I think- cause I’m busy and focused and I don’t want to be hit on) Hello
Him: some other stuff about the day or the pool or something
Me: tries to unlock the gate and responds (I think)

Gate is locked. New plan. Other pool. Still on a mission. Still. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Bothered.

He asks how I’m doing, if I’m married, what’s my name, can I stay and talk, can we be friends.

I say fine, no, Cassandra, no, no thank you. I’m trying to walk away but not be rude.

He says stuff. Don’t know. Don’t care. He sees the book I’m reading and asks who its by.

I’m thinking “I don’t know. I’m just reading it. Leave me alone”. I show him and say “Kevin Gerald” (Mind monsters).

He says “conquering fear, worry, guilt. You got a lot of fear. Read that book. Fear is why you didn’t want to stop and talk to me. Why you don’t want to give me your number”.

Normally (and I almost did) I would say, “okay thanks” and walk off. But I decided to listen.

More gibberish. I took his card. He’s a “Dr.” supposedly. That’s not why I took his card. I don’t plan to call him. But I didn’t throw it away, which I considered momentarily.

All of this to say, was it fear or focus?

Please note: I didn’t find him physically attractive. That has become a deal breaker for me. I ain’t got time or energy to be convinced that you’re attractive. I’m sure you’re sweet. But sweet don’t show up in mirrors and pictures. Don’t judge me, I’m just being honest.

He did say he was attracted to me because I’m real. I didn’t have makeup on and I wasn’t matching (dress and sneakers with a pool bag).

I think I was just focused. I think.

I made a “list” before and the guy fit most of it- somethings only time could reveal, but I gave him credit on some things that he kinda lacked.

Plays the piano. “Oh he want to learn to play it, I’ll count that”. I am a little afraid of my list. What if I need to change it because I the perfect man finds me and who he is isn’t on my list. I guess that’s fear. Shoot. Let me get focused. I’m making a list today.
red momentarily.

All of this to say, was it fear or focus?

Please note: I didn’t find him physically attractive. That has become a deal breaker for me. I ain’t got time or energy to be convinced that you’re attractive. I’m sure you’re sweet. But sweet don’t show up in mirrors and pictures. Don’t judge me, I’m just being honest.

He did say he was attracted to me because I’m real. I didn’t have makeup on and I wasn’t matching (dress and sneakers with a pool bag).

I think I was just focused. I think.

I made a “list” before and the guy fit most of it- somethings only time could reveal, but I gave him credit on some things that he kinda lacked.

Plays the piano. “Oh he want to learn to play it, I’ll count that”. I am a little afraid of my list. What if I need to change it because I the perfect man finds me and who he is isn’t on my list. I guess that’s fear. Shoot. Let me get focused. I’m making a list today.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s