I had to pause TD Jakes to write this one…
so you know its real. Haha.
I think I’m in love. Thank God he’s not on social media. But one day, when he asks me to be his wife I’ll show him this post and say…”I knew it was coming”. Now, that sounded real confident, but I’m not that sure that I’m sure.
It feels like its love. But I rush things. I thought I was in love once and I married a whole man that I thought I was in love with. I had a whole wedding, a whole honeymood (I meant to type honeymoon, but I’ll leave it as is), had half-whole sex, had a whole place, whole jobs, whole affairs – his physical, mine emotional (both wrong and I still feel the need to distinguish the two), whole lies, whole cheats, whole deceits later…a whole non-separation, a whole divorce in the twinkling of an eye later…a whole failed married. I had a WHOLE failed marriage behind what I thought was love. I felt like I was in love with my bestfriend. Sundays he picked me up for church best friend. We rode to ya mama’s house afterward best friend. Never realized you wasn’t listening, we wasn’t heard best friend.
So, when I say I THINK I’m in love. It means nothing. I think about a lot of things. OH MY GOD. I wish I could stop thinking sometimes. What do dumb people do? I mean with all that empty head space. What do yall do? Not yall…I’m talking about Dumb People. Not yall. What do they do?
Awkward silence. But why is it awkward? Silence. Silence ain’t loud, bruh, its silent.
I was congested when I wrote this. So I took a deep, supposed to be silent breath and I still heard myself breathing. Aware. Too aware. So aware I have the tendency to try to control it. And that’s why I think my head, neck, and shoulders hurt. I am not in control. You are not in control. We are not in control. And the sooner we realize it…(if Trump ain’t taught us nothing)…the sooner we realize it we can give way to Yaweh to do things not my Way. I tried to get deep and poetic. Not my style. I’m a teacher, not a preacher.
We are not in control. Say it with me “we are not in control”. “We are not in control”. Now that doesn’t make mean we are powerless. We are powerful. We just ain’t running the show. So…back to love.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is…you think love is a choice? Absatudalutely. So when I think I’m in love is a conscious decision. I’m saying “I choose to put my mind on loving you”. Obviously God wants to be our first love. And then there’s you. I’m not even sure if you want my love. And that’s kinda a problem. See why would I give something you didn’t ask for. Maybe because you don’t even realize how much you need it. My love. How much you want it. You miss it. Not like you had it and now its gone. You are missing out on it.
So, when I say I think I feel in love with this man. What I think I hear myself saying is…(code shift). Self, what I think I hear you saying is…you are ready to loose control and let him choose…control, love.
(and because I told myself I’ll perform this one day, I invited him here…not because this is the first time he’s hearing this- though its the first time I’m putting it into words, but because at the end of the day….”i ain’t no punk”.)
And now why I love him…
…and the rest are embodied in the first two words.