This morning I realized it is hard for me to spend time alone with God. Quiet time. My commute to work is the most still I am all day. I cannot get up, get busy, get distracted (or too distracted). Sometimes I ride quietly, often to soul music or gospel (or gospel trap). Even in my most still moments, I am still very busy. My mind, my body, my everything is in motion.
So, I am using a carved out quiet time in my day to be unstill, again. I’m blogging. With good intent. I need to breathe and pray. My car was totaled, I won’t need a car in three months, and I can’t afford a lease. At least from the research and calls I have made thus far. So I believe God for a miracle.
I want to cry. But I’m too busy right now. I’ll cry later. I want to lay down, but I can’t. This is my prayer.
God I know you’re big. You’re bigger than any obstacle. You’re bigger than a car wreck that took my car but spared my life. You are great. Greater than any plan I thought would fix this little situation. You’re greater than my debt and my credit score and my desire to manage my money in a way that leaves me extra and decreases money stress. God you are God. I am not. I cannot fix it. It will not happen in my own might or my own will or according to my plan or my purpose. You alone are God. God I thank you for the revelation of your care for me. You are concerned about me. And you want me to rest, so I ask you to help me. Ease the knot on my brain. The one that comes when I have worn my brain out from thinking and thinking and rethinking of a plan to get myself out of things I got myself into.
God you are worthy. Of praise even in the middle of my testimony. Use this for your glory. Help me to learn the lesson or lessons in this season and help me not to repeat the course. God keep me. Forgive me for sin I know about and the things I think you are okay with. God correct me. Discipline me. Prepare me. Guide me. Love me, but teach me also to love you. Show me you daily. Open my eyes. Make me still. And in all my asking help me to take responsibility for my actions and to act in accordance to my prayer for my own life. Give me no less than my obedience allow. I want everything you have for me. Every dream. Every relationship. Every business. Every. Thing. Keep me patient and living in “now”. Keep me humble. I am not you. I am not God. I am only worthy through you. God I love you. Not enough, but I’m trying. I need you. Not often enough do I remember and realize and really admit this, but I do. I really need ou. And Lord I’m really hungry and unexcited about the lunch I brought today. Fix it Jesus.