This past week has been terrible. I literally feel like I’ve experienced emotions from a year ago. I thought I had progressed. New city new job, same emotions. Started with things not going my way at the church. I have a trend. Things don’t go my way and I get upset….stress…then shut down and withdraw. I’m fearful that this was a pattern in my marriage. And then that makes me think I’m a part of the reason I’m divorced. It’s a coping strategy, a defense mechanism, and now I’m pissed that the guy that I like called, I missed it, went to work out, heard a sermon, and now he didn’t answer my call. He is probably sleep, so I’ll talk to him tomorrow night. Its not on my terms and I under the school of thought that if you are going to disappoint me, then just leave. Everyone in my life has disappointed me to a point where I would prefer to cut them off completely and live in isolation. I mean EVERYONE. I don’t …nope everyone. I felt that way when married, but I was married, so I was stuck. And there were benefits to being stuck, I thought I had someone who loved me unconditionally and liked me. So, one person who made a conscious effort to never leave me. And then he left. That sucks.Terribly. Last night I cried like I cried last year. I don’t know the deep source of my pain. I’m in a job, that stresses me out, doing things other than what I was hired to do, which takes up time that I could spend working my other job that took up so much time I barely remember married life because of the time I devoted to jobs. And so I’m actually left with some free time and have no desire, energy, or thought of what to do with it. Its scary. I’ve had visions of parking in busy traffic. I thought to take a massive dose of all the medications I take. The medicine thing might actually work, so I’m not so sure I want to risk it. Deep down I guess things will get better and I’ll be happy and feel useful and purposeful and in a good spot, but until then I’m doing the bare minimum. I’m establishing balance. Something I think I’ve lacked my entire life. Its going to start with my room and my car. Those are the two areas that are my domains. And I’ll see if some sense of power will assist in my desire for balance and energy to do this job with a smile, do enjoy my Mary Kay, to meet new friends and establish a life in Houston. I’m already over it. Mainly because its hard and I don’t know how to rest or enjoy. I feel like I need a vacation. Even that is an expense and luxury I cannot afford. I should be caught up in a month so that’s good.
I’m upset….well I was a few days ago and I didn’t have a laptop so I am just now writing it down….I was sad about being married and about being divorced. How can I be both? Sad that my marriage ended in divorce and sad that divorce ended my marriage. And then on top of that I wasn’t settled and stable, well I was and I chose to trust God and shake things up. So now I’m walking by faith and I sometimes have the tendency to look backwards and I know it’s a little crazy, however…I’ve decided God is all I need and that I can stay looking forward.
New thought: I’m pretty sure I’m meant to love you- deeply. And I’m becoming even more convinced that I’m meant to learn from you. And when I said I don’t know what I can give you that’s what I was getting at. There have been things that others taught or could have potentially taught me. They were carnal things. Things that at the end of the day do not really matter. You can teach me spiritual things. You have taught me spiritual things. And I could say thank you. No I will say thank you, knowing you really didn’t have a whole lot to do with it. So, I thank God. And in thanks to Him to who He is, to His gift of you, I choose to honor Him, myself, and you. We will not go there. And I knew it when we did and I know it now. We are worthy of more. And if we wait and end apart- we saved ourselves didn’t we. And if we wait and last forever- there is no rush. Amen?
(raw and real…never published, until NOW…publish)