Gabby’s book

I’m just going to be honest, okay. I was a Gabby almost hater before I read her book. I think many actors are a lot like the characters they play and I just wasn’t a fan until Mary Jane. I know…Mary Jane put me on to Gabby. The lost wandering wanting to be in love and falling in love with the wrong men Gabby, I mean Mary Jane.

So anyway, I love Mary Jane and so I decided to give Gabby a chance. I’m in a bomb Book Club with my girls Toy and Monica and this book was next on dock. I was apprehensive at first. I wanted to support Mary Jane and Gabby, but I didn’t know if I was ready to give up my idea of the latter.

I fell in love with her honesty. The book left a lot still in question. She at points seemed very objective about her life, which I feel is not for me to judge. She told her story the way she wanted to and the world is lucky to have a glimpse into her world. I appreciate that she was real, raw, and uncut…its a way I tend to view myself.

What I learned for Gabby that it is okay to be yourself and to reinvent yourself when you realize life is not working in your favor. We have a lot in common and in a very selfish way that allowed me to like her more. I wrote a book myself hoping people would low key understand me and high key like me (more).

Shameless plug, go read my book Grow…or read Gabby’s.¬†https://www.amazon.com/Grow-Cassandra-Vonesha-Bruington/dp/1547158247

 

 

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Focus on Me

This is a revelation. Even typing this blog is a little bit of a backslide. I have to rechannel my energy. Writing a book, starting a blog, starting a vlog, using twitter, starting a new job, moving to a new country, designing curriculum, planning daily lessons, joining a dance class, purchasing artwork, becoming veganish…I keep doing new things and then putting my energy into: making friends, support people, calling and checking in, showing I care, changing my classroom, giving surveys, planning trips and events, stalking Uber drivers (don’t ask)…o m g.

I wasn’t me, here’s the advice I would give Cassandra.

 

Sit down and be with God.

Be with God.

Be.

 

There is probably this same theme strung along my blog posts. Calming down and focusing. I am a dreamer and a thinker and a planner and a doer. And I love people. And sometimes I love to please people or at least to try to please them above my pleasing of God. Its sad and true. And if you examine your life…I’m not the only one. We have to create space for peace. Only God gives peace, so we must create space for God. So what’s got to go? My reaching out. Not like for help…and not the natural reaching out but the REACHING to be seen, heard, applauded, pursued, etc. Its exhausting. And I’m exhausted. Not all of my students will like me. Not all of their parents will like me. My coworkers don’t have to be my best friends. And I don’t owe cute guys who speak Spanish and take me places (Uber drivers) anything but a “gracias, adios”. So, I’m starting today to focus on me…believe it or not, the first thing I need to do is schedule a doctor’s appointment and get my thyroid levels checked. Something is off.

I feel like writing

Its funny that I don’t have anything specific in mind. I’m just going to begin typing and see what comes out.

Dance. I joined a contemporary class and its challenging. If I walk into class with heaviness in my heart it shows up in my movements and in my patience with my progress. Last class I was pissed. The instructor was moving too fast and I didn’t remember much as I was expected to run through with a group of two- the other two in my line.

I was irritated. I didn’t remember. I needed more time. I wasn’t ready and I hadn’t mastered these moves, so why on Earth would I want to “run through it with my line”? I struggled through after two suggestions to “feel the movement” and do what I could remember. Still sounds absurd, but I’m trying to apply that to life.

 

  1. Feel- be in the moment.
  2. Cast off the concern of perfection.

Story.

Of.

My.

Life.

 

One day I’ll get there. I’ll dance like no one is watching. Like the steps are mine to create. Like each movement is perfect without rehearsal. And until then…I’ll check the mirror but look at it less. More feeling, less thinking. More in the moment, less planning. More living, less analyzing my life.

Starting now.

Hair

“You change your hair everyday”. False, but I understand that I do maximize the freedom and creativity my coils provide me with- I can switch thing us quickly. In fact, I’m headed to the states soon and I plan to purchase hair and stuff it in my luggage. Braiding hair, Marley twist hair, a latch hook, widely misrepresented as a “crochet hook”, and few hair ties, curl formers, and bobby pins. Whew! Thats a lot- I might need gel, too. We shall see.

Anyway…this post is a confession. A few days ago I resented and was ashamed of my natural hair:

it shrinks

it requires constant care

it falls out when “protective” styles are taken down- although I hear this is typical, it hurts my soul seeing the collection of coils looking like a lambs wool along my shower, counter, and sink.

I had to take out my last style a little early. I can’t have my fake hair looking nappier than my natural curls. So…I was faced with a decision, wig and switch (cause its hot) or natural hair. I focused on potential reactions and if my wig laying didn’t require braiding, which is time consuming and sometimes hurts AND my wigs weren’t blonde and black/red (hella bold), I probably would have rocked them. Instead, I did a wash and go and today a bomb twist out.

 

But thats only after contemplating:

dreads

weave

braids

cutting

and….wait for it…

RELAXING MY HAIR.

My coils LITERALLY WILL NOT stay straight enough to showcase my length and this makes me look and feel different than I want to. I look more less conventionally beautiful. No big hair to wear as a crown. I feel more naked and exposed, less masked and “protected”. I’m just being honest.

I named my hair some years ago and Shea has to be offended that I’ve spent more time with her clothes than with her. So she’s been free for a few days now and we are relearning one another. Last night twisting wasn’t so bad. And I found out she HAS grown, she’s ACTUALLY REALLY TALL…she just wears flats that hide her long legs. I am falling back in love with my coils one moisturized twist out at a time.

“You change your hair everyday”. No.

You Change. Your hair everyday.

 

Smile

I hate being told to or asked to smile. Its annoying. And its unnatural to force a smile. I am content. And happy. And pleasant. And I show my emotions when I feel necessary. I don’t smile 24/7. And I certainly don’t smile more simply because I’m asked to – so stop.

Stop asking.

Loveless

Love less

Love less

What a way to heal?! You’re saying for sanity sake I should love a little less. Give a little more sparingly. Pour out slowly. Look within and turn ever so gently.

Love less

Love less

God, I pray this doesn’t make me loveless.

Every where I go

I have 3% of MacBookPro battery life to type this. I’m feeling the #feels, so here we go.

I just got back from my “See you Later 2017 Summer Tour”. I said “see ya later” to friends and family and it was an amazing time! If I can just figure out how to make that my life 365/24/7 I will have reached my #lifegoals. (not sure why this is so hastaggy, but oh well).

NYC- love the city, love it more with family. It was so good. And so so so needed. Bonding and walking, lots of walking. I learned that my family can have a good time anywhere. We are so different and have so much in common. We are like an oil and water sandwich. God is the bread. I assigned personality assessments for my family. They humored me and took them and reported the results. So, I tested my luck and sent a love language quiz, still waiting…

Mine is:

Words of Affirmation!!!!!!

Quality Time!!!!

Acts of Service!!!

Physical Touch (higher when I’m dating)!!

Gifts!

 

Saw Girls Trip. Its was amazingly funny, slightly inappropriate, as is life. Go see it.

I miss my students. I don’t claim to be the best teacher in the world. Afterall, I’ve never won “Teacher of the…” anything. But I love kids. At my core and all the layers surrounding said core, I love kids. I want them to excel, to have a chance to be great. (laptop died).

 

Three days later and I’m in my feels today. I move in 4 days. And more than anything in this moment I want a good cry, a grand release, and lots of love and attention. I’m about to ascend on the greatest adventure of my life and I feel a little lost in the middle of the sea. I need water, though. The kind tears produce. For a lot of relationships this distance will break them. For many things that I have planted, they’ve withered and this transition will be their burial. For me this may be a rebirth, but for many a thing left unclosed unsettled unresolved, my journey across the seas is a death sentence. And I’m ready to mourn before the services.

I can’t save people. I can heal them. I can even demand from them what I feel I need, I want, I’ve earned, I desire. So…I want to learn to be content within. Thought I was there and now this. My emotions are aided my hormonal things but they are always honest with me. I’m listening.

I have a buttload of things to do,

 

but first….

 

rest.