Love yourself

Name 3 things you love about yourself.

That sounds taboo, right? So often we are focused on the things that we can fix or improve. Let’s take a moment and acknowledge self love. I love myself. Flaws and all- that is where my confidence comes from. If nothing else I have to choose to love me. I mean, I want others to love me. Why would I request or require of them something I fail to give myself? It doesn’t make sense.

So, self love and self care is real. We had a morning meeting and my student asked, “love yourself more than your mom?”. I replied, “well, if you don’t love yourself first it is very hard to love someone else”. We talked about it. I shared that for me, God, self, others is the order of my love.

Receiving and feeling loved by God first then reciprocating that love on me and passing it to those around me has proven difficult and yet so simple. I love because I am loved. You’d be surprised how many kids chose not to share a compliment about themselves to the group. My students are not shy, they are intelligent speakers, and I was really taken a back by the fact that only 50% of them shared what they “love about” themselves. We are going to work on this.

I told them to never lose the ability to encourage and build themselves up- it is a magic power. It is healing and warm. It is necessary and yet stolen so young. We teach children that recognizing their strengths is bragging. No it isn’t. I am a good teacher. That is true. I’m not putting anyone else down. It doesn’t mean I don’t have room to grow. I simply am a good teacher, right now, in this moment. As my students are in PE, I am filling my cup and preparing for the day ahead. I practice what I preach. I tell them to read and write daily and I do. I teach them to be confident and kind- and I am. I want them to solve problems and change the world and that is what I do…one lecture at a time, one lesson at a time, one book at a time, one blog post at a time!

I love myself.

Love yourself.

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Queer concepts

I copied and pasted an email from a friend. She sent me a website with videos about intersectionality: race, gender, identity.

The link: https://www.colorlines.com/articles/our-new-video-series-raceand-captures-essence-intersectionality

(I almost didn’t post the link, because I’m not sure where I stand. But, knowledge is power. And exposure takes away excuses…for me…and for you).

“I didn’t watch every video. I watched the first and last and a bit of the second one. I just couldn’t really engage with the LGBT struggle. I definitely want to think more about this. I don’t know how to engage.

I think deeply, identity is being attacked. God created…and then man/the enemy distorted. I also believe culture pushed people to be so outrageous. You can’t be a woman who sees the beauty in another woman. You like women. You’re gay. You can’t be a feminine man who likes fashion. You dress up. You’re a drag queen. It may be small minded but I believe that there is a place for everyone and this agenda is so STRONG it IS overshadowing race and “gender”. And if you can choose your gender, how is gender an issue? I’ll just be a man if I don’t want to be oppressed? Or if I feel more masculine? I don’t get it.
Here are my notes:
misgendering – how can we know what gender someone is now that you can choose? We have to go off appearance and voice…and that can be confusing. No one can confuse my blackness. Ever.
“Race informs the other parts of me.” I agree.
I am a woman who…is also…   I agree.
My thoughts, I’m almost “white” but I’m brown. I mean my education, my social-economic status to some degree, my profession, my dialect, my socializing, my ability to travel, my experiences and opportunities. Sometimes that excludes me from what some paint as “blackness”. I didn’t grow up in the hood, I don’t always understand rap music, I don’t like “rachet” tv (well I do sometimes). A lot of that is also my religion. I’m Christian. And some say “a white man’s” religion. I have to shed all these identities and just be a child of God, knowing that others create boxes for me. And I’ll bust through them MUGS like Mario Kart bustin ice on the track.  Shout out to the 90s/2000s babies.
Intersectionality- heavy stuff.
Race no longer matters. We got all we were going to get during Civil Rights. We can’t fight everything at once, but we must choose and start somewhere.
I’ll always want people saved and to know Jesus Christ.
I will want women empowered.
I want brown and black people treated with dignity and respect.
I want money and education to be equal access, hard work opening more and more doors.
And I want people to love beyond all else.
Even when we don’t understand one another, can we please love?
That, we know, we all need.
#blogpost”
I didn’t proofread. #workflow
#letsengage

I love a guy.

You know the saying about love?

Our first love is young. 

Our second love is hard. 

Our third love we don’t see coming. 

I guess I’m in between love one and two. But I still love a guy. What’s funny is, I’m 99.8% sure that we won’t be together and we may not remain friends. And it has taken a year to come to terms with that, but I think I’m finding comfort in knowing that that is probably healthy and best.

I still write about him. I still think about him. And most days, I’m not sure if I am in love with him. Or I simply possess a deep love FOR him. Our ability to differentiate the two is imperative. Love is unconditional. It keeps no record of wrong. It is humble and selfless and to quite honest it is uncomfortable and unnatural. Most people give conditional though. Though the conditions may be broad, when pushed to the limit, a limit is found.

This idea of unconditional love bothers me. Let me rephrase, its agitates my normal behavior. You make me sad, I love you less. You disrespect me, you get boundaries of my love. I know, there seems to be nothing wrong with that, but if love isn’t free…is it love? Whats the price of love? A ring? A wedding? A child? Can it ever be paid for?

I love a man. And he may not even love me back. And that makes me even more confident about my love for him. He’s made me sad. He’s offended me. Never disrespect, never intentional harm, never unapologetic. And I love him.

Some days I feel like proclaiming this love, because it is evidence that divorce and heartbreak, and failed relationships did not crush me. They didn’t steal my capacity to love and to give without expectation. And that is a miracle. That’s evidence of the God I serve. One who can heal and transform and restore.

Back to love. Family. I love them unconditionally. Friends…my friends. I love them unconditionally and even the healthy boundaries I establish for them are not barriers to my love.

My students. I love them unconditionally. And they need that love. They need to feel and see that love. They need to know that that love is…real love. So as they grow and experience life, they can be prepared to give and receive the love that covers all.

I still love a guy.

 

Cramping so you know it’s real

I said I’d post daily and it’s 1am, so I’ve already failed. Let’s technically call this yesterday’s post.

Monday I felt like a mad woman and I knew “aunt flow” was coming. My emotions, hormones, attitude, and “feelings” were high. Today it was confirmed that I’m not crazy, I’m just a woman.

“Just a woman”. Ha! Oxymoron. This evening I cried. My laptop almost died while I was on an online interview after my laptop mouse failed to work properly and I … I remembered that I’m single and no one could sneak me my charger. I have friends and “people”. I have help and support. Yet, at that moment the reality of my singleness stung. I almost cried into the screen.

I hadn’t planned to be 30, divorced, and single. There was a time when I was 24, married, and hopeful. Then I was 25, married, and alone. That shift happened quickly and tonight I cried. I mourned my marriage. My heart broke again for the loss of a husband, once a friend. I retold and reread my story again. And say with the reality that I was always have “been married”. I’d love to be a big person and say I’m thankful for the lessons marriage taught me but so much of it was hard and sad and draining that  I can only really say, dating was fun and my marriage was supposed to be a good thing.

I don’t assign too much blame. I played a role, he played a role. One of us is a husband, a father…

One of us is single and healing…

Maybe both of us are free.

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/cassandra-bruington/episodes/Division-of-a-marriage-e1h7sn

 

 

 

 

 

Like share grow

If you like this blog, share it, comment, and let me know what topics “speak to you”.  I’m a communicator. I love to talk. I’m working on listening. This blog is my voice. I share freely, openly because I talk to an audience of unknown. Thats not to be confused with unimportant. This space is beautiful and I appreciate the web and WordPress. Its amazing to be able to share and express and be heard. By someone…somewhere…unknown.

So, I’m committed to talking to you daily. It will be short. It will be random. But I hope you will like and share…

 

then grow.

Here we go again…

Weekends. They aren’t much different than my weekdays. I wake up early, I have things to do and I take action. Yesterday’s todo list consisted of grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, and planning, organizing, catching up with a friend and family, Instagraming, Netflixing, Facebooking, and resting. The rest came when I fell asleep sprawled across my bed with every light in my apartment on and 3/4 of the cabinets open. I looked like a mad woman train who had literally ran out of steam. Or a child who has been going all day and is stopped in her tracks but the sleep monster.

 

Ah, well…thats how weekends go. They are little more flexible and free than my weekdays but they compete in productivity. I get a lot done. Always. So today, I’ve realized, I didn’t really rest. I want to go to the beach, but I have two books I want to read, a book club at 7, and planning to do for the work week. I don’t think I’ll stay to watch the sunset as previously decided. Something has got to give. So, in true Cassandra fashion…I’m writing my goals down here, so that I can get to them.

Today:

  1. Close cabinets
  2. Pack for the beach
  3. Go to the Beach
  4. Be free at the beach (work or don’t work, read or don’t read, whatever…and take pics)
  5. Leave before sunset (you have planning, cooking, Book Club, and sleep to get)
  6. Book Club, plan, cook, sleep
  7. This list is too long.

 

Revised list:

  1. Plan for tomorrow
  2. Go to the beach
  3. Book Club
  4. Sleep

This blog was for me, but I hoped it help you. #prioritizerest

My theory about me

I’m so glad my password was saved and worked this time. I change passwords nearly every week. The range is from Spotify to bank sites to my amazon acct (not really that one is locked in tight). I gave my students an assignment to write about their theory of themselves and here is what I gathered about Cassandra (me).

 

Cassandra is complexity at its best. Resting #)$*@ (stone for the PG audience) face with a heart the texture of a marshmallow encased by ceramic pieces. She loves herself, she loves God, and she is learning to truly love others. Cassandra is driven…almost to the point of madness. She is an idea machine and her brain moves faster than the speed of light. She’s like a flickering lamp, constantly illuminating with ideas yet exhausted by energy expensed. Rapid fire ideas frustrated by the speed of man. Men. Cassandra is a lover. She loves children. Beaches. Change. Growth. A natural girl.