Cramping so you know it’s real

I said I’d post daily and it’s 1am, so I’ve already failed. Let’s technically call this yesterday’s post.

Monday I felt like a mad woman and I knew “aunt flow” was coming. My emotions, hormones, attitude, and “feelings” were high. Today it was confirmed that I’m not crazy, I’m just a woman.

“Just a woman”. Ha! Oxymoron. This evening I cried. My laptop almost died while I was on an online interview after my laptop mouse failed to work properly and I … I remembered that I’m single and no one could sneak me my charger. I have friends and “people”. I have help and support. Yet, at that moment the reality of my singleness stung. I almost cried into the screen.

I hadn’t planned to be 30, divorced, and single. There was a time when I was 24, married, and hopeful. Then I was 25, married, and alone. That shift happened quickly and tonight I cried. I mourned my marriage. My heart broke again for the loss of a husband, once a friend. I retold and reread my story again. And say with the reality that I was always have “been married”. I’d love to be a big person and say I’m thankful for the lessons marriage taught me but so much of it was hard and sad and draining that  I can only really say, dating was fun and my marriage was supposed to be a good thing.

I don’t assign too much blame. I played a role, he played a role. One of us is a husband, a father…

One of us is single and healing…

Maybe both of us are free.

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/cassandra-bruington/episodes/Division-of-a-marriage-e1h7sn

 

 

 

 

 

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If you like this blog, share it, comment, and let me know what topics “speak to you”.  I’m a communicator. I love to talk. I’m working on listening. This blog is my voice. I share freely, openly because I talk to an audience of unknown. Thats not to be confused with unimportant. This space is beautiful and I appreciate the web and WordPress. Its amazing to be able to share and express and be heard. By someone…somewhere…unknown.

So, I’m committed to talking to you daily. It will be short. It will be random. But I hope you will like and share…

 

then grow.

Here we go again…

Weekends. They aren’t much different than my weekdays. I wake up early, I have things to do and I take action. Yesterday’s todo list consisted of grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, and planning, organizing, catching up with a friend and family, Instagraming, Netflixing, Facebooking, and resting. The rest came when I fell asleep sprawled across my bed with every light in my apartment on and 3/4 of the cabinets open. I looked like a mad woman train who had literally ran out of steam. Or a child who has been going all day and is stopped in her tracks but the sleep monster.

 

Ah, well…thats how weekends go. They are little more flexible and free than my weekdays but they compete in productivity. I get a lot done. Always. So today, I’ve realized, I didn’t really rest. I want to go to the beach, but I have two books I want to read, a book club at 7, and planning to do for the work week. I don’t think I’ll stay to watch the sunset as previously decided. Something has got to give. So, in true Cassandra fashion…I’m writing my goals down here, so that I can get to them.

Today:

  1. Close cabinets
  2. Pack for the beach
  3. Go to the Beach
  4. Be free at the beach (work or don’t work, read or don’t read, whatever…and take pics)
  5. Leave before sunset (you have planning, cooking, Book Club, and sleep to get)
  6. Book Club, plan, cook, sleep
  7. This list is too long.

 

Revised list:

  1. Plan for tomorrow
  2. Go to the beach
  3. Book Club
  4. Sleep

This blog was for me, but I hoped it help you. #prioritizerest

My theory about me

I’m so glad my password was saved and worked this time. I change passwords nearly every week. The range is from Spotify to bank sites to my amazon acct (not really that one is locked in tight). I gave my students an assignment to write about their theory of themselves and here is what I gathered about Cassandra (me).

 

Cassandra is complexity at its best. Resting #)$*@ (stone for the PG audience) face with a heart the texture of a marshmallow encased by ceramic pieces. She loves herself, she loves God, and she is learning to truly love others. Cassandra is driven…almost to the point of madness. She is an idea machine and her brain moves faster than the speed of light. She’s like a flickering lamp, constantly illuminating with ideas yet exhausted by energy expensed. Rapid fire ideas frustrated by the speed of man. Men. Cassandra is a lover. She loves children. Beaches. Change. Growth. A natural girl.

Mourning Divorce

I knew this would be a process, but geez! A week ago I had another dream. I have reconciliation dreams. Dreams where he comes back or he stays…or we are together. They are never beautiful. I always wake up with a feeling like “why can’t I stop dreaming this nonsense”. I’ll do a better job of capturing the feeling next time.

Its like an annoying reminder that we could have pushed through, could have made it, but…he wasn’t cut out for the struggle. And honestly, he wasn’t built for me. I’m a fighter, I’m tenacious, I’m a handful of love and energy and adventure…! I have my flaws and they are the same things that make me beautifully fearless and unique and strong.

I just finished a sermon series on relationships and I’m taking away a newfound appreciation for my singleness. (Its great for EVERYONE- single, married, divorced, dating, engaged)

Click and enjoy: https://youtu.be/H7h5BHax06c

For the past several months, I’ve been flirting with the concept of contentment in this stage, but its solid now. I go as I please, I travel solo dolo, I have friends visit, and I really just pursue purpose on my own terms. God is in the driver’s seat and I am learning to trust Him fully. I still mess up and start trusting myself and my own understanding, but I have taken Proverbs 3:5-6 to heart:

Proverbs 3:5 King James Version (KJV)

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.