I feel like writing

Its funny that I don’t have anything specific in mind. I’m just going to begin typing and see what comes out.

Dance. I joined a contemporary class and its challenging. If I walk into class with heaviness in my heart it shows up in my movements and in my patience with my progress. Last class I was pissed. The instructor was moving too fast and I didn’t remember much as I was expected to run through with a group of two- the other two in my line.

I was irritated. I didn’t remember. I needed more time. I wasn’t ready and I hadn’t mastered these moves, so why on Earth would I want to “run through it with my line”? I struggled through after two suggestions to “feel the movement” and do what I could remember. Still sounds absurd, but I’m trying to apply that to life.

 

  1. Feel- be in the moment.
  2. Cast off the concern of perfection.

Story.

Of.

My.

Life.

 

One day I’ll get there. I’ll dance like no one is watching. Like the steps are mine to create. Like each movement is perfect without rehearsal. And until then…I’ll check the mirror but look at it less. More feeling, less thinking. More in the moment, less planning. More living, less analyzing my life.

Starting now.

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I can get it WHEREVER…and I should

This is about to be a 6 minute butt load of randomness. I am at work and this is not designated blog time. But I need to “journal” and this is my digital release.

 

I’ve been waking up tired and uninterested in beginning my day lately. I am not used to this. I went from waking up at 430am at the beginning of the year, to not getting sleep, to waking at 530 to a random 515 to now turning my alarm off and today staying in bed until 615 while I listened in on my 6am prayer call. Its taken me 53 days to figure out that I need to get consistent with my sleep and routines (especially before and after bed).

 

I can not do what I want when I want how I want because it causes a chain reaction of tired attitude needing pumpingupness. And I am not here for it. My family, friends, students, and I suffer when I don’t give myself what I know I need. Sleep. Rest. Time. Energy. God.

So, let me just get my life together on here:

Wednesday:

430: eye apt

530: gym (strong MAYBE) OR paper purge (more necessary…maybe I can do both)

My gym is too packed. It irritates me and to workout at my complex gym is a JOKE. I’ll get the paper together tonight and gym it up tomorrow (MAYBE).

700: eat

800 clean and bed prep (listening prayer, meditation, rest IN BED)

I got distracted and my time is up…

 

Oh and yesterday I did the hard work of letting someone I love know that our relationship is going to need to look differently because its what’s best for me and for him. I have NEVER done that in my own strength. I’ve always been abandoned or “forced” to let go. How freeing to make a conscious and mature decision to guard my heart and obey God. Freedom: absence of fear. I’ll let him go and if he doesn’t fly out of the cage I created for him, we may both be able to soar on the outside. “Let’s see what happens…”