Notarized.

I paused a Netflix movie to post this. So…you know its real.

Today, I scrambled to get documents notarized for my Work Visa. I’m about to leave the US in a matter of months to pursue a job abroad. I will be teaching 4th grade all subjects in Costa Rica! Excited is an understatement. I didn’t realize how much paperwork signing/applying/verifying would be required. I still don’t even understand if I sent everything perfectly. And being born abroad doesn’t make the process any simpler. Its confusing and annoying and very systematic even though no human being can explain the process considering my rare circumstances.

The notary at the bank (my shared branch because I still bank with an out of state credit union) did all my paperwork for free. He didn’t have to, but I am so appreciative. I saved $25. Then spent $20 for a document I forgot to have notarized by him and later paid for at a postal store that probably overcharged me.

Anyways…I sat at his desk and remembered the last time I had paperwork notarized at a bank. It was January of 2014. Divorce papers. I cried as I signed each page. I had gotten there at 4:59pm, right before closing after my ex kept asking when I would sign. He left me January 4th and the papers had January 10th on them. This had to be mid January. It was heartbreaking and I’m sure super awkward for the notary (a woman who kept her composure). I cried loud and deeply as I signed all thousand lines requiring my signature. I felt defeated. I was a little embarrassed. Not that I was crying- I needed that. I was embarrassed that my marriage had failed and this document was the proof.

So…as I sat in the office today. I almost cried again. Just in remembrance. Of a marriage I mourned and laid to rest. Divorce is a tragedy. I survived a tragedy. I overcame and rose above a tragedy. And 3 years later, I signed documents which I’d like to refer to as freedom papers. I’m leaving the US. I’m leaving (dis)comfort. I’m leaving what has been familiar. And I am so excited that now I understand the foreshadowing. At a bank alone. In an office with a stranger. Making a life changing written declaration. My life is changing.

I can never ever say I won’t survive. Or things won’t get better. Or I may not make it. Those statements are simply untrue. I will rise. I have been Notarized.

https://www.thebalance.com/what-is-a-notarized-document-315434

A notarized document is a document that has been marked with a stamp (or “seal”), which indicates that the signature on the document is legitimate. A notary watches you sign and then places the stamp near your signature (along with information which allows others to track down records related to the signature).

I’m crying.

Will.

Did I tell y’all I don’t do that often. So when I do. When I start to cry, I take time to feel that emotion that caused me to break through my stone wall of guardedness to the point of tears.

I need a minute.

I could see why you didn’t or wouldn’t have respected me 10 months ago. When we first met, how we met. Who I was when we met. I was me, but a different shade of me. So I could see how you could think this treatment was acceptable then.

But we’ve spent time together. You know me. I know you. I shared me. You shared you. I thought I feel in love. Enough to demand distance. To be hurt by the distance I demanded. To second guess my decision to put me first and cover myself and protect my heart. The one thats patched up from the pass. So its just not okay for me to be treated this way. Will, you know me. Or I thought you did. And if you know me, enough and this is acceptable to you. This is true to your nature. You’re okay with your behavior then I was wrong. And the worse pain is the kind you realize you initiated.

I have no words. I’m so sad that I can’t get angry. So angry that I’m only really sad. I’m depleted. I’m empty. I’m worn out. And I don’t understand how things can go so South so quickly and so clearly.

But you still follow me on Snapchat. Do you know I can see you watching me on Snapchat. I’m irritated that Snapchat has made it into a very serious very deep very real blog post. I’m crying. And part of it is because you would rather follow me, watch me, admire me, see me from a distance than get close, stay close, be close.

That is some bull shit. And I hate to cuss in a post. I just can’t identify if its me or if its you. No, its absolutely you. But if I thought I loved you, then its also completely me. So now I’m over here sad. Do I delete, block, ignore, agress, assert, retreat, suppress.

He is showing you. Believe him.

Stop having access to me and not being accessible to me. I’ll control that.

I cried and showered. Seems appropriate. Now I’m listening to worship music. This is the only way I get empty and full at the same time. Its an hour past my bedtime and I just want to cry more. Feel more. Lean in and on God even more.

I’m not mad anymore. I’m still sad. But that will pass. I was supposed to grade papers and uber-plan for tomorrow. Plans are done. Grading is not. Its okay. I need this time. This is necessary. I deserve to feel this. To feel and then to be over it.

This thing happened. And I realize that I am just really tired of settling. And I’m uncomfortable giving my energy in empty places that cannot reciprocate. I want to forgive and let go and then not repeat the pattern of prostituting my gifts, and my calling, and my encouragement and my love. I am not cheap. Nothing about me is inexpensive. I’m costly. And that’s okay.

I need a top 5. Pourers who pour in. And they need to be real people.

The pourer-intoers are never lacking. I’ll be choosy this time.

You Are Welcome

 

 

 

I am currently going in on this playlist on YouTube. Oh My Great God. You are Worthy Lord, forgive me for every wrong thing. Those I know and those I have yet to discover seek to separate me. God, I love God. I’ve been honest with my Creator. I don’t love Him enough or right or well. And He still pursues me and wins me with His love. Who am I that you are mindful of me. God I adore you, I praise you.

Sometimes you need a soundtrack for your day. This is mine. This whole playlist. Especially, Good Shepherd. I’m going in, which is so hard to do when you have a whole 9-5 that you should attend to. My kiddos came in on my soundtrack. We’ve been working and chillin’ all day. I am committed to give them what they want and what they need. They are great and mighty and well-equip with the talent to reach their purpose on the Earth. May my presence be a catalyst and not a hindrance. God, use me to empower them to be Great- like you.

I’m bout to cry. I always give people a warning. Not because it embarrasses me, but because not everyone is comfortable with pain and tears. Divorce made both very frequent and I’m comfortable with pain and tears. They wash me and purify me- cleanse the negative and make room for God to pour into me.

I realize what I crave more than a boyfriend, sex, good food, or even time with friends…is intimacy. For someone to know me completely, accept me fully, and love me unconditionally. That love may or may not come from a human second. It absolutely comes from Christ, first. Thank God for the opportunity to feel it and to be able to discern it. I have everything I desire and I need in Christ.

every. single. thing.

I imagine a love letter from God saying:

Dear child that I (alone) created and I (alone) love (fully),

I have everything you need.

You Are Welcome,

Daddy (God)

Why I keep falling in love with guys that CANNOT love me back

I’m ill. Not based on the title. Based on the message.

I literally couldn’t get out of my shower quick enough. Minus the cheap black soap that I’m not sure does the trick…this topic, these words, this concept was bugging me out of the waterfall I call “shower”.

Its a topic and title I couldn’t not write. I couldn’t not post. And I cannot not share. Hello, my name is Cassandra and I am a recovering fallinloveaholic. I almost gave first middle and last name, so you know its real. But that would have been extra and if you’re that interested in finding out my first middle and last name, I’m sure Google will be happy to assist you. Or facebook. Or they led you here and you already know it.

I’m rushing to tap this. Because its irritating to meditate on and I’m on the floor in an apartment I’ve tried cleaning since 530pm. For an event I’m hosting tomorrow at 630pm. Also I’m supposed to leave the house in 25 minutes for girl time I’ve been craving for like two weeks. This. Is. Life.

Okay, here goes. I fall in love with guys that cannot love me back. And its sad and I’m over it. And here, pretty soon…like with the next guy I could potential love that will not love me back (because he can’t), I’m going to choose  not to fall in love with him. I’m utterly over it.

I’m high school sweethoe…I mean sweetheart over it. He wasn’t a hoe, I just still don’t like him. Oh, and we weren’t in love. I just “fell in love” with him.

I’m junior year love of my life over it. I’m summer crush turned bae before bae was a thing over it. I’m college boyfriend, college crush, college safe crush who liked me back, college boo who never was boo, and I’m ex-husband who I didn’t even know didn’t love me back

O

VER

IT.

Oh there’s more. I’m post-divorce bad decisions to even entertain the idea of you over it. I’m Tinder over it. I’m church crush over it. I’m Tinder turned friend but you still ain’t ready OVER ALL OF IT.

Its exhausting to love someone and two wives, 5 kids, 12 years, 1.5 billion opportunities to get it right and be ready but you still ain’t right nor ready realize HE AINT NEVA GON GET READY.

I could scream. For 13 year old me, and 15 year old me, and 17-29 year old me. Girl, let’s stop the foolishness.

When you know good and darn well he cannot love you, let him.

Let him not love you from a distance. Let him not call. Let him not check on you. Let him not be that into you. Let his girlfriend come first. His wife come first. His kids come first. Let his homies come first. Let it go, Elsa!

Sheesh…and I’m realizing the problem is me. I am impatient. And that’s a shame that I would be so impatient that I would love a man who cheats, who pressures me to have sex, who lies about how God told him…some stuff God ain’t told him. So impatient that I’d entertain a disgusting dude (forget a bad boy- I went BIG), entertain a scared boy disguised as a wealthy and confident man, that I’d go on dates with dudes who I found to be a 7 on a 10 scale (when I feel like I’m a 10 on a 10 scale). I’m not desperate or insane, blind or suffering from low self-esteem. I am impatient. And because I’m also Christian that means I don’t trust God’s timing. I’m uninterested in His timeline because I have deadlines.

Married by…23 I think it was. Now I’m divorced. Yeah, that was basically my only age deadline…that mess is enough to stop you in your tracks and make you burn every DEADline you ever thought you had.

I’m learning to dream again, to set ambitious goals, to live my life without apologies or permission-asking. I’m grown, I pay whole bills. I have whole debt that I’m working my way out of. I ask for advice from SOME. Permission from one, “God, is it okay if I…”. And I only ask sometimes when I don’t already have a plan. I’m working on that.

But one thing is crystal clear to me. I am SO OVER falling in love with guys who cannot love me. Its stupid. I know why I do it. And thats stupid too. I’d rather be in love WITH someone then FALL in love with them. So, the next guy I want to save at the expense of spending myself, I totally WILL NOT. And y’all can check me on that.

Final thought: falling in love…(which doesn’t even feel THAT good- okay I lied, it feels amazing) is like I was going to reference throwing up, but in an attempt not to offend or gross anyone out I will refrain. Its just like making yourself do something that isn’t good for you. That your natural body is eventually going to reject. Something that smells and looks nasty. Something you’ll regret…especially if you prefer standing over falling.

I’m well.

Nevermind

Okay, so I won’t say I’m a punk. But I think I decided to wait to love him. Now this is a tricky thing. I have to collect some of myself that I left for him.

And why? Because I’m dog sick and he didn’t check on me. I know it may seem #petty. But it’s not. When I think about who I want to be in love with, I want him to be thoughtful and concerned even when he’s busy. Why? Because I am that way. And I deserve at least what I am. At most who I will become.

So, we’re friends. I’ve decided. Through a few sick-tears and honest moments last night, I decided he is … wait, we ain’t even friends. My friends checked on me. We “cool”. Now comes the task of moving backwards. From love to…”you aight”.

Here’s what I’m thinking:

I won’t call or text…first.

I won’t be long-winded.

If he asks, I will definitely tell him, “I thought you’d call and check on me”. But not in the “let me guilt you” way, just in the “I totally get it, you got legit things happening in your life right now and now I know what it is” way. He does have legit things happening right now in life. And I believe life is probably 90% timing. So…its time to let it go.

Let.

it.

go.