I’m crying.

Will.

Did I tell y’all I don’t do that often. So when I do. When I start to cry, I take time to feel that emotion that caused me to break through my stone wall of guardedness to the point of tears.

I need a minute.

I could see why you didn’t or wouldn’t have respected me 10 months ago. When we first met, how we met. Who I was when we met. I was me, but a different shade of me. So I could see how you could think this treatment was acceptable then.

But we’ve spent time together. You know me. I know you. I shared me. You shared you. I thought I feel in love. Enough to demand distance. To be hurt by the distance I demanded. To second guess my decision to put me first and cover myself and protect my heart. The one thats patched up from the pass. So its just not okay for me to be treated this way. Will, you know me. Or I thought you did. And if you know me, enough and this is acceptable to you. This is true to your nature. You’re okay with your behavior then I was wrong. And the worse pain is the kind you realize you initiated.

I have no words. I’m so sad that I can’t get angry. So angry that I’m only really sad. I’m depleted. I’m empty. I’m worn out. And I don’t understand how things can go so South so quickly and so clearly.

But you still follow me on Snapchat. Do you know I can see you watching me on Snapchat. I’m irritated that Snapchat has made it into a very serious very deep very real blog post. I’m crying. And part of it is because you would rather follow me, watch me, admire me, see me from a distance than get close, stay close, be close.

That is some bull shit. And I hate to cuss in a post. I just can’t identify if its me or if its you. No, its absolutely you. But if I thought I loved you, then its also completely me. So now I’m over here sad. Do I delete, block, ignore, agress, assert, retreat, suppress.

He is showing you. Believe him.

Stop having access to me and not being accessible to me. I’ll control that.

I cried and showered. Seems appropriate. Now I’m listening to worship music. This is the only way I get empty and full at the same time. Its an hour past my bedtime and I just want to cry more. Feel more. Lean in and on God even more.

I’m not mad anymore. I’m still sad. But that will pass. I was supposed to grade papers and uber-plan for tomorrow. Plans are done. Grading is not. Its okay. I need this time. This is necessary. I deserve to feel this. To feel and then to be over it.

This thing happened. And I realize that I am just really tired of settling. And I’m uncomfortable giving my energy in empty places that cannot reciprocate. I want to forgive and let go and then not repeat the pattern of prostituting my gifts, and my calling, and my encouragement and my love. I am not cheap. Nothing about me is inexpensive. I’m costly. And that’s okay.

I need a top 5. Pourers who pour in. And they need to be real people.

The pourer-intoers are never lacking. I’ll be choosy this time.

You Are Welcome

 

 

 

I am currently going in on this playlist on YouTube. Oh My Great God. You are Worthy Lord, forgive me for every wrong thing. Those I know and those I have yet to discover seek to separate me. God, I love God. I’ve been honest with my Creator. I don’t love Him enough or right or well. And He still pursues me and wins me with His love. Who am I that you are mindful of me. God I adore you, I praise you.

Sometimes you need a soundtrack for your day. This is mine. This whole playlist. Especially, Good Shepherd. I’m going in, which is so hard to do when you have a whole 9-5 that you should attend to. My kiddos came in on my soundtrack. We’ve been working and chillin’ all day. I am committed to give them what they want and what they need. They are great and mighty and well-equip with the talent to reach their purpose on the Earth. May my presence be a catalyst and not a hindrance. God, use me to empower them to be Great- like you.

I’m bout to cry. I always give people a warning. Not because it embarrasses me, but because not everyone is comfortable with pain and tears. Divorce made both very frequent and I’m comfortable with pain and tears. They wash me and purify me- cleanse the negative and make room for God to pour into me.

I realize what I crave more than a boyfriend, sex, good food, or even time with friends…is intimacy. For someone to know me completely, accept me fully, and love me unconditionally. That love may or may not come from a human second. It absolutely comes from Christ, first. Thank God for the opportunity to feel it and to be able to discern it. I have everything I desire and I need in Christ.

every. single. thing.

I imagine a love letter from God saying:

Dear child that I (alone) created and I (alone) love (fully),

I have everything you need.

You Are Welcome,

Daddy (God)

(good) Cry.

Tonight, I’m having one. For a number of reasons. Okay, just one. I had a tough day at work. I don’t really know why it was so emotionally taxing…

It has been…emotional tax season and it seems like I owe back taxes. Pain mis-paid. Not paid, rather unpaid. I owe tears. Years of tears and grief and sadness. I swear I thought I paid everything I owed. Today was the beginning of a payment plan arrangement that occurred without my conscious consent.

I thought I’d already paid for this. Today has been emotionally taxing…I’m so in need of a good cry.

I cried a little yesterday. Thought it was exhaustion.
Cried a little yesterday in praise.
Cried a little today. Thought it was frustration.
Cried a little just now.

It was literally one of the best cries ever. A (good) cry cleanses. More tears to come

Time with Him

When you spend time in the presence of God it makes going on about your day a little tricky. Right now, I’m at my desk in my classroom…my plan was to come in early and work on lesson plans. I just want to stay in His presence. A year ago, I was in a place and point in my relationship where I was sick of “church”, angry with God, losing hope and honestly wanted to be void of feeling, emotion, frustration, disappointment. I was at my lowest and honestly I didn’t want to come up any higher. I was so deep in despair that I assumed my life should or would end before it got any better. But, God loves me. He cares for me, has plans for me. And I as pen this with tears clouding my eyes, I realize I learned to trust God. The one I was angry with, disappointed in, confused about. I had one small grain of trust that He saw me, He heard me, He held me. 

Right now, I feel held again. And I thought I was fine, standing…walking…running. The worship that consumes you when you thought you were fine is that deep reflective refreshing feeling that He knows you in and out. The hairs on your head, like the sand on the beach. 

There are times when I feel alone, feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, and unimportant. Right now I’m so filled with assurance that I am in God’s arms, he is my victory, my hope, my King, and I am His Daughter. I am loved. By God.