I exhaust myself.
My mind races. I set goals. I achieve. I fail. And I get tired. I slept so well last night. Cleaned and felt accomplished, my new place is almost ready. I’m not sure if I settled or its exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m just ready to be. I have a list of things to do before I’m in. I have 5 days.
electricity
rent
renter’s insurance
bills
uhaul
end of month business goal
I’m ready for the next 6 months of this adventure. Its hard to commit. I said I would give it 1 year. And this first 6 months, I’m still in a place of hmmmm “its cool”. I think because I can go anywhere and God is going to ask me to “grow”. BOY OH BOY have I learned a lot. And John Maxwell said it “most people would rather find the exception than be exceptional”. What does exceptional even mean? Integrity- ah! That is a four letter word. I may be the only one to admit, its tricky to “be”. To not conform, to not doubt, to not settle, to just be…
I’m me. The perfect version of Cassandra Vonesha Bruington. I want to lead. To influence others. And then when I think about why I want to lead, things get a little fuzzy. Well, a little embarrassing. Its a selfish desire to be seen as great. Wow. I can admit that I want recognition and applause. I want wealth and luxury. I want praise and admiration. I want simple. I want power.
So every once in a while I believe God freezes frame and allows me to examine myself. He gives me choices and revelations. Sends me people and situations. They challenge me to grow (UP) and move on. Ever get that icky feeling around people. And think “its not them its me”. What is it in me that is off? When the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of change…
I get bored. So I set another goal, do another thing, make another friend, add another agenda item. I get exposed, so I cover up with another city, another goal, another issue that isn’t an issue. I feel insecure, so I get rid of another friend, another plan, another apartment (LOL).
And today I feel like a zombie- I have 4.75 hours left at work and its not working for me. I think I need a nap, a good read, a blankey, a worship experience…I think I need a WHY bigger than “I want to lead”. Sure I want to be used by God….on my terms, debt free, with friends, seen in a positive light.
I think I know what it is. When you (as in I) get so tired of carrying my own load…God removes it and I’m not used to feeling so light. The tendency is to go back and pick up the things he’s allowed me to break away from…
relationships
worry
doubts
failures
…I say the thing I value most in life right now is freedom. I know sin keeps me bound and so its odd to think that I try to live a sinfully free life. Ha! Its impossible. And then the father of lies will convince us (me) that my Godly choices are keeping me bound, keeping me from something, that they are bondage…not the case at all. I’m praying for a release of restraint. A push to walk fully forward in my “being”. I know this means a lot of replacements. What I watch, what I listen to, who I aspire to be like, who I surround myself with, what I tell myself, what I tell others, who I listen to, and I think most importantly who I see God as. Not my servant or butler, my master. And because He is all-knowing, almighty, all-powerful, and worthy of my surrender, I trust that I am in good hands. That I am well-kept. That (okay, called my dad….to be continued, maybe)
Random Rants 