Journal

I most definitely need a journal – like outside of this blog. Because this is really what the blog is, a journal I’m pleased you decided to open.

Zumba today was amazing- I want to teach older people at nursing homes how to dance. Well, I’m sure they know how to dance. I want to teach them Zumba and Twerk (yes, they are different). And then I want my friends to teach them salsa and “bollywood” style- I don’t know what its called and Nigerian dance etc.

There’s a lady in class today whom I’ve seen before. She dances to her own beat and on her own count. Gorgeous woman, seems nice, and she stays in her own world. I admired her today. Usually in classes I’m competitive and comparing and analyzing and thinking about others in the class. I did it today. However, it was simply admiration for the lesson she taught me. March to the beat of your own drum. Dance like no one is watching. Learn the steps, make your own rhythm. For that, I am truly grateful.

And, I’ll end on this- are we (whatever label you’d like to apply) ever truly immune to what others think of us- I’m sure working to be. I care about many opinions and yet I know only ONE truly matters. So, when I say I’m developing an immunity to comparison and people-pleasing thought processes and behaviors, that I’m learning to block out the noise and focus on me even when I see and hear AND experience things which are bothersome, I’m simply saying “I will not invest my energy there”. I am immune.

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I’ve decided I will be intentional about sharing my journey through this blog. It is going to be “focused”. Still random but focused on my part to play in the grand scheme of things.

Today, I’m doing some deep digging, some soul searching, some groundbreaking work for the future me. 2017 is on the horizon and I have not a second to waste. I have and am developing God-sized goals and I am prepared to keep my end of the faith bargain. Faith without works is dead.

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Focus

No Time:

I got a text today to pray for my (future) husband. Very specific things, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a chain message. I’ve had this discussion before with the sender. And I’ve been putting off coming up with my list of “what he needs to be/be like/have”. So here’s the list, because dating in the 2000s, like any other year requires thoughtful praying:

Morning,

Have you prayed for your husband today? Pls do so now.
– Ask God to protect him,
– Ask God to send salvation to him in case he is not saved yet;
– Ask God to separate him from people that would hinder him from doing the will of God
– Ask God to bless him;
– Ask God to send all manners of help to him wherever he is; and above all
– Ask God to connect you two together (this year, as in the new year its Dec 26- I’m adding that now)
– Remove every hindrance that might want to delay your connection;
Always pray for him until you meet him and get married. Don’t loose sight of this because I know in my spirit your husband is existing somewhere….

Pray for him!!!

The second to last line almost irritated me because I’m like “duh he exists”. Then, well now, reading and writing it again, I’m thinking hmmmm…marriage is in my future. Because I am (I wish I could say I was but its not that simple) starting to doubt marriage for myself. I thought that was a sad thing, but I think what is happening is that my focus is shifting. I am more interested in being in love with God and falling in love with Cassandra then “finding love”. I’m not really interested. I think men are wonderful (some) and gorgeous (few) and I like male company and I want a boyfriend (somedays) who is totally into me (but into God more) HOWEVER, I’m really not interested in investing too much energy in the rabbit trails that my mind leads me to when I’m focused on “finding love”. I’m totally open to being found, though….

So I thought.

I’m walking to the pool to read and relax.

Him: Hello
Me: (rolls eyes inside, I think- cause I’m busy and focused and I don’t want to be hit on) Hello
Him: some other stuff about the day or the pool or something
Me: tries to unlock the gate and responds (I think)

Gate is locked. New plan. Other pool. Still on a mission. Still. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Bothered.

He asks how I’m doing, if I’m married, what’s my name, can I stay and talk, can we be friends.

I say fine, no, Cassandra, no, no thank you. I’m trying to walk away but not be rude.

He says stuff. Don’t know. Don’t care. He sees the book I’m reading and asks who its by.

I’m thinking “I don’t know. I’m just reading it. Leave me alone”. I show him and say “Kevin Gerald” (Mind monsters).

He says “conquering fear, worry, guilt. You got a lot of fear. Read that book. Fear is why you didn’t want to stop and talk to me. Why you don’t want to give me your number”.

Normally (and I almost did) I would say, “okay thanks” and walk off. But I decided to listen.

More gibberish. I took his card. He’s a “Dr.” supposedly. That’s not why I took his card. I don’t plan to call him. But I didn’t throw it away, which I consideNo Time:

I got a text today to pray for my husband. Very specific things, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a chain message. I’ve had this discussion before with the sender. And I’ve been putting off coming up with my list of “what he needs to be/be like/have”. So here’s the list, because dating in the 2000s, like any other year requires thoughtful praying:

Morning,

Have you prayed for your husband today? Pls do so now.
– Ask God to protect him,
– Ask God to send salvation to him in case he is not saved yet;
– Ask God to separate him from people that would hinder him from doing the will of God
– Ask God to bless him;
– Ask God to send all manners of help to him wherever he is; and above all
– Ask God to connect you two together (this year, as in the new year its Dec 26- I’m adding that now)
– Remove every hindrance that might want to delay your connection;
Always pray for him until you meet him and get married. Don’t loose sight of this because I know in my spirit your husband is existing somewhere….

Pray for him!!!

The second to last line almost irritated me because I’m like “duh he exists”. Then, well now, reading and writing it again, I’m thinking hmmmm…marriage is in my future. Because I am (I wish I could say I was but its not that simple) starting to doubt marriage for myself. I thought that was a sad thing, but I think what is happening is that my focus is shifting. I am more interested in being in love with God and falling in love with Cassandra then “finding love”. I’m not really interested. I think men are wonderful (some) and gorgeous (few) and I like male company and I want a boyfriend (somedays) who is totally into me (but into God more) HOWEVER, I’m really not interested in investing too much energy in the rabbit trails that my mind leads me to when I’m focused on “finding love”. I’m totally open to being found, though….

So I thought.

I’m walking to the pool to read and relax.

Him: Hello
Me: (rolls eyes inside, I think- cause I’m busy and focused and I don’t want to be hit on) Hello
Him: some other stuff about the day or the pool or something
Me: tries to unlock the gate and responds (I think)

Gate is locked. New plan. Other pool. Still on a mission. Still. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Bothered.

He asks how I’m doing, if I’m married, what’s my name, can I stay and talk, can we be friends.

I say fine, no, Cassandra, no, no thank you. I’m trying to walk away but not be rude.

He says stuff. Don’t know. Don’t care. He sees the book I’m reading and asks who its by.

I’m thinking “I don’t know. I’m just reading it. Leave me alone”. I show him and say “Kevin Gerald” (Mind monsters).

He says “conquering fear, worry, guilt. You got a lot of fear. Read that book. Fear is why you didn’t want to stop and talk to me. Why you don’t want to give me your number”.

Normally (and I almost did) I would say, “okay thanks” and walk off. But I decided to listen.

More gibberish. I took his card. He’s a “Dr.” supposedly. That’s not why I took his card. I don’t plan to call him. But I didn’t throw it away, which I considered momentarily.

All of this to say, was it fear or focus?

Please note: I didn’t find him physically attractive. That has become a deal breaker for me. I ain’t got time or energy to be convinced that you’re attractive. I’m sure you’re sweet. But sweet don’t show up in mirrors and pictures. Don’t judge me, I’m just being honest.

He did say he was attracted to me because I’m real. I didn’t have makeup on and I wasn’t matching (dress and sneakers with a pool bag).

I think I was just focused. I think.

I made a “list” before and the guy fit most of it- somethings only time could reveal, but I gave him credit on some things that he kinda lacked.

Plays the piano. “Oh he want to learn to play it, I’ll count that”. I am a little afraid of my list. What if I need to change it because I the perfect man finds me and who he is isn’t on my list. I guess that’s fear. Shoot. Let me get focused. I’m making a list today.
red momentarily.

All of this to say, was it fear or focus?

Please note: I didn’t find him physically attractive. That has become a deal breaker for me. I ain’t got time or energy to be convinced that you’re attractive. I’m sure you’re sweet. But sweet don’t show up in mirrors and pictures. Don’t judge me, I’m just being honest.

He did say he was attracted to me because I’m real. I didn’t have makeup on and I wasn’t matching (dress and sneakers with a pool bag).

I think I was just focused. I think.

I made a “list” before and the guy fit most of it- somethings only time could reveal, but I gave him credit on some things that he kinda lacked.

Plays the piano. “Oh he want to learn to play it, I’ll count that”. I am a little afraid of my list. What if I need to change it because I the perfect man finds me and who he is isn’t on my list. I guess that’s fear. Shoot. Let me get focused. I’m making a list today.

Chance the Rapper

He got me all in my poetic and spiritual feelings so here goes…

Someone once told me I was a super model
I believed her
She said I was beautiful and brown and big eyes were fine
Not fine like fine, but fine
So I believed her
So what she was 7 and insecure and dark inside
She had wisdom
So what she was teased and sad, contemplating suicide
She had wisdom
So what she was lost and desperate for Yaweh
She
Had
Wisdom
Someone once told me I was a super model
And I believed myself

I’ve never dated when I’ve been in love with myself
I’ve never dated when I knew my worth
I never dated when I felt nothing lacking, had no fear, knew no limits to my greatness
I never dated when I was so aware that God is in my, through me, around me
I have never date myself before I dated myself hmmm Zach Morris- now I dated myself
Never knew a love like this before
When I’m so utterly and completely in love with myself that I don’t need no help to love my self
And its exciting see to see inside of me changes daily and no ego to feed
I never dated myself
How could I never date myself?
I’m such a great catch, I’m glad I caught (late) myself
Better late than just the next date

My Oh My

Before writing this entry I reviewed my last entry…things change. Or things change us. I want a break from kids. They take a lot of energy that I no longer have to give. I’m going to truly take some time this weekend to make some adjustments. Budget, cleaning, preparing…

It helps a lot, if I can remember correctly. I’m most joyfully when in the presence of happy people.

I promise to get after God to restore my passion and drive for the things He has for me. This season sucks! And that is me putting it nicely. I choose, however, to grow and learn the lesson and move forward.

Shalom.