Loveless

Love less

Love less

What a way to heal?! You’re saying for sanity sake I should love a little less. Give a little more sparingly. Pour out slowly. Look within and turn ever so gently.

Love less

Love less

God, I pray this doesn’t make me loveless.

Every where I go

I have 3% of MacBookPro battery life to type this. I’m feeling the #feels, so here we go.

I just got back from my “See you Later 2017 Summer Tour”. I said “see ya later” to friends and family and it was an amazing time! If I can just figure out how to make that my life 365/24/7 I will have reached my #lifegoals. (not sure why this is so hastaggy, but oh well).

NYC- love the city, love it more with family. It was so good. And so so so needed. Bonding and walking, lots of walking. I learned that my family can have a good time anywhere. We are so different and have so much in common. We are like an oil and water sandwich. God is the bread. I assigned personality assessments for my family. They humored me and took them and reported the results. So, I tested my luck and sent a love language quiz, still waiting…

Mine is:

Words of Affirmation!!!!!!

Quality Time!!!!

Acts of Service!!!

Physical Touch (higher when I’m dating)!!

Gifts!

 

Saw Girls Trip. Its was amazingly funny, slightly inappropriate, as is life. Go see it.

I miss my students. I don’t claim to be the best teacher in the world. Afterall, I’ve never won “Teacher of the…” anything. But I love kids. At my core and all the layers surrounding said core, I love kids. I want them to excel, to have a chance to be great. (laptop died).

 

Three days later and I’m in my feels today. I move in 4 days. And more than anything in this moment I want a good cry, a grand release, and lots of love and attention. I’m about to ascend on the greatest adventure of my life and I feel a little lost in the middle of the sea. I need water, though. The kind tears produce. For a lot of relationships this distance will break them. For many things that I have planted, they’ve withered and this transition will be their burial. For me this may be a rebirth, but for many a thing left unclosed unsettled unresolved, my journey across the seas is a death sentence. And I’m ready to mourn before the services.

I can’t save people. I can heal them. I can even demand from them what I feel I need, I want, I’ve earned, I desire. So…I want to learn to be content within. Thought I was there and now this. My emotions are aided my hormonal things but they are always honest with me. I’m listening.

I have a buttload of things to do,

 

but first….

 

rest.

I’m crying

Did I tell y’all I don’t do that often. So when I do. When I start to cry, I take time to feel that emotion that caused me to break through my stone wall of guardedness to the point of tears.

I need a minute.

I could see why you didn’t or wouldn’t have respected me 10 months ago. When we first met, how we met. Who I was when we met. I was me, but a different shade of me. So I could see how you could think this treatment was acceptable then.

But we’ve spent time together. You know me. I know you. I shared me. You shared you. I thought I feel in love. Enough to demand distance. To be hurt by the distance I demanded. To second guess my decision to put me first and cover myself and protect my heart. The one thats patched up from the pass. So its just not okay for me to be treated this way. Will, you know me. Or I thought you did. And if you know me, enough and this is acceptable to you. This is true to your nature. You’re okay with your behavior then I was wrong. And the worse pain is the kind you realize you initiated.

I have no words. I’m so sad that I can’t get angry. So angry that I’m only really sad. I’m depleted. I’m empty. I’m worn out. And I don’t understand how things can go so South so quickly and so clearly.

But you still follow me on Snapchat. Do you know I can see you watching me on Snapchat. I’m irritated that Snapchat has made it into a very serious very deep very real blog post. I’m crying. And part of it is because you would rather follow me, watch me, admire me, see me from a distance than get close, stay close, be close.

That is some bull shit. And I hate to cuss in a post. I just can’t identify if its me or if its you. No, its absolutely you. But if I thought I loved you, then its also completely me. So now I’m over here sad. Do I delete, block, ignore, agress, assert, retreat, suppress.